Hidden Grief of Life Transitions: Why Change Can Feel Like Loss.
The content in this article is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment.
Maybe you don’t know or maybe you had a hunch all along, but we’ve been dealing with grief since we were young. Every new phase ushers in a sense of nostalgia and loss, even if the change is a positive one. Whether you're a child moving into adolescence or perhaps it’s your sibling who is and your best frenemy seems like a whole other person that you hardly recognize. Maybe you just graduated and are off to your next adventure only to find no one told you how to cope with the loneliness and weight of responsibility for your life that now sits upon your shoulders. Maybe you’ve spent the last twenty years raising your family and now they are off creating their own lives, leaving you with a loss of identity and purpose. Perhaps you got that job offer you’ve been waiting for but that requires you to uproot yourself and start somewhere new. Every change has the potential to bring about grief and with that a sense of shame and guilt for feeling said grief, especially if it is something you’ve been waiting for.
The good news is, you’re not alone! Since the beginning of time we’ve been coping with grief and change and we’ve learned a few tricks along the way. The purpose is not to erase the challenge of change but rather to equip ourselves for the emotional rollercoaster we call life.
Hidden Grief: What is it?
Hidden Grief could be defined by the sense of loss one feels when a positive change has occurred yet the beholder is unable to fully experience the joy of the new event. There are many obstacles to fully experiencing positive change as a joyful event. Our own sense of loss from a life we had before and its familiarity. Other people in our lives for whatever reason might tend to point out the dangers of a new life or even worse want to keep you in the old routines and behaviors of your past. Whatever obstacle is in your way, know now that joy is within reach. Some examples of hidden grief might be:
Leaving an abusive relationship
Moving on to a new stage in life
Recovering from an addiction
Getting your dream job
Hidden Grief often occurs when society (and you) think you should be feeling something else. We feel like we have to hide our grief when we have positive changes, after all You should be happy! Anytime we hear the word Should and a Feeling in a sentence, this is a red flag that we are putting pressure on ourselves to conform rather than accepting ourselves and the reality we are living in. The silence around hidden grief can lead to isolation and shame of crippling proportions.
What are the Signs that I’m experiencing Hidden Grief?
Although these are not conclusive, they are a good start to determining if what you are experiencing is hidden grief.
Feeling out of it or disconnected during the process of change in your life.
Mood Swings, irritability or unexpected tears several times a week.
Difficulty making decisions or moving forward
Overwhelming Nostalgia or wishing things could go back to the way they were (even if it wasn’t better)
Moving Forward: Healthy ways to cope and move through Hidden Grief.
Acknowledge the loss. Give yourself permission to grieve. Even if no one else seems to think you should be grieving, grieve anyway. Journaling either electronically, orally, or with pen and paper is a great way to come to terms with your new reality while honoring your present feelings.
Create a ritual of closure as well as a ritual of new beginnings. Tagging onto the journaling idea, create a ritualistic opening and closing to your journals. Want to go bigger? Create a whole ritual around journaling itself. Start each week with a few moments of remembering followed by a few moments of gratitude for both what you had the opportunity to experience as well as what you are currently experiencing.
Seek support: Contact local churches for support groups with people who have similar lifestyles as you. Invite an acquaintance out for coffee and start a deeper friendship. Call an old friend and share your struggles. Seek Counseling to have a confidant help you through this transition.
Self Compassion exercises: Remind yourself that is it totally normal and ok to experience excitement and sadness at the same time.
Look ahead with curiosity: Grief is not just about endings, but about clearing space for new beginnings as well.
The Ending is a Call to a New Beginning.
That being said, We absolutely must give space and acknowledgement to the ending while we allow the bud of a new beginning. What you are feeling is absolutely normal but not openly talked about. So many of us are quick to numb our grief or other’s grief for that matter by focusing solely on the future. We must make space for the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. If you or someone you know is struggling with hidden grief, reach out and know you are not alone. Counseling can offer a safe space to explore, grieve, and rebuild.
